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[11 Jun 2008|12:01am] |
I want to know my fate if I keep up this way. I wish I just knew what I'm destined to do with the rest of my life. I wish I knew what was wrong with me and the whole world so I can fix it. I wish I wish I wish..
I got a red light ticket today. $75 dollars down the drain.. not like it doesn't go down the drain anyway. Maybe they will use the money to go towards bettering baltimore city? hah.. yeah.. I doubt it too. I hope I get to take at least one vacation this summer. I really want to get away from here..
Speaking of spending money.. I wish Christmas was in July because I want so many things. I'll just post it here and pretend like I actually have it. Shut up I'm bored.
( wishlist )
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| njg |
[03 Jun 2008|01:51am] |
can you wake me and shake me
from the clouds i've formed around my eyes?
i just need to rain for awhile, then i can let my sunshine
through the leaves i can see a bird singing
to his love, his one and only
dear, you've given me wings
and a voice to sing
this pain may break me but you find the glue
and make me smile out of the blue
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| lucky |
[01 Jun 2008|03:46pm] |
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music |
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Jason Mraz - Lucky |
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I am so so.. sooooo grateful for everyone in my life right now. I know I will be friends with them forever, I just know it. I can't explain how amazingly deep our bond is. If you are one of these people you will know. I know that any of you would be there for me in record time if I needed you and that's really all I need but it really doesn't stop there because you are amazing people to boot. I love you all.
I even still love some people I haven't talked to in awhile. You know who you are too. Make plans with me. I'm really busy all the time but I promise I will try my best to make some time for you.
I'm still so happy about doing so well at college. I'm so proud of myself. I feel great about it everyday. I can't wait to learn more either.
I wanted to start out this journal entry really happy because now I'm going to talk about some not so happy things going on. There's always a balance.
My mom still won't let me sleep over at my own boyfriends house even though she got me my birth control a YEAR ago. KNOWS we have sex. She says 'Oh, you're going to start wanting to move in with him and you aren't an adult that can make those decisions yet'. Wow, okay... I thought the law said when you are 18 you are an adult.. but now my mom makes the law. She just wants me to be her baby forever and never leave her because honestly, I'm all she has. I'm not saying that to be cocky or anything like that.. I really am. She makes it that way. She has one friend and she has like 0 hobbies. It's not my fault. She's putting a strain on our relationship with her bullshit and I'm so tired. I just want to fall asleep in my baby's arms without having to worry.
My pain is also getting quite unbearable. I take as many as 8-10 pain pills a day and I don't even notice an effect anymore. I want to do so many things but I'm like... no I'm in pain. I honestly would be so much happier, nothing could phase me if I just wasn't in pain all day everyday. I want my parents to stop yelling at me because I can't help out around the house after I've worked 5 hours straight and I'm in severe pain and all I want to do is rest.
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| I'm going to try to write in this. Seriously. |
[26 May 2008|02:54am] |
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music |
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lcd soundsystem - someone great |
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The reason I never seem to keep up with journals is I don't have faith in my own words and thoughts. I'm always looking to reconfirm that I'm normal or sane in others words and thoughts. I adore the words of famous writers and poets, and I always think it's more eloquent when they say what I'm thinking. I really want to start relying on my own words because I think I have more faith in them than my self-doubt will allow. I only love my words when I don't over think them.
Parties never fail to dissapoint me. I'm sick of being in this limbo of teenager and adult. I don't want to take on the responsibilities of an adult but I want to have deep and lasting conversations with intelligent people. This will never happen with drunk teenagers with no cares outside themselves. I want to grow up and when I grow up, I just want to go back down to where its comfortable and safe. Then I stop and realize that comfortable and safe is confused and impressionable. I can't be scared anymore; I won't.
Although we are sooo different, and our emotions get the best of us sometimes. I still love you with all my heart. Because when I'm with you I'm 100% myself because you make me feel like it's all right. And it is, because we love each other no matter what. You even love me when I'm the most unloveable person in the world to you on purpose because you scare me. You're so real and sane and smart and TOGETHER. You're all I want to be and all I'm running from at the same time. But no matter if I'm running full speed towards you or away from you, you keep up.
I wish I wasn't in pain all of the time. Everything about my life would be easier. Waking would be easier. But when 'they' say theres nothing wrong with you what else can you do?
P.S GPA = 3.7 overall this year. That's something to be proud of, I think. Maybe if I keep this up people will take me seriously.
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[28 Oct 2007|03:54pm] |
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the world is literally falling down around us and we are worried about who's religion is better?
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americanlow's journal